Your last comment on my blog humbles me. I so appreciate your input. I must tell you though, that my granddarlings are not really in my debt. If anything, I am in theirs. They have given me so much, just by their very presence here on earth, not the least of which is a strong sense that we have an eternity to look forward to and that good-bye is never really good-bye.
They've taught me, beginning with my first grandchild, the meaning of a zen moment. That I can see that eternity in their eyes, and when my granddaughter's big brown eyes locked onto mine, at the age of ten months, and the world actually STOPPED, in a busy mall, that I should never doubt again. I have always said that as my first grandchild, she taught it all to me, and she is still my little teacher 11 years later. The five who have followed, three of whom are still infants, have each taught me something too, but it all happened first with Amber. One day not long ago, her mother said, "Amber has an old soul." She does. I was stunned, for I thought that I was the only one who knew that. If you've ever known a child like that, you know what I mean.
I know that I loved and adored and appreciated my own children, but I was busy and conscientious about raising them right, and distracted, and, though I remember special moments with them I don't have the sense of that eternal connection that I felt with Amber. I do NOW, with my daughters, but I think it is because one of THEIR daughters opened my eyes. It is hard to explain, but I have to try. I know that other grandparents are reading this and saying, "YES!" I am not the only one. But I am uniquely blessed, and I am just smart enough to know it.
So Mrs. AL, I want to tell you that you too mean something important to me, as do all the people who bother to read and comment on my posts. I have written two books which are in the Library of Congress. I have another which will be submitted soon. They were written for my first three grandchildren, and are not published but are simply indicative of the depths of my feelings for them. I wish I'd written three books for my children, but it never occurred to me. I hoped I was doing a good job, I would have lain down and died for any and all of them, I thanked God for them and still do, for they are lovely and loving daughters to their father and me, and we are so grateful and happy to have them. But still, something else happened with Amber, and from then on I was on the lookout for it. Little moments that might go unnoticed, little looks that might be too fleeting to pay attention--but now I know. I wonder if they sense it too, and I believe that yes, on some level they do. The older three are busy children now, with school to go to and life to live, but somewhere in their dear little hearts they know they are connected to me for all eternity, and that our family will always be somewhere together.
I hope and pray that I will never be short of zen moments with grandbabies. I loved being a nurse, but anything I did as a nurse pales in comparison to anything I did as a grandma. My husband is my partner in life and my love, and my daughters are as dear to me as anyone could ever be. The grandchildren are the gravy and the icing and the above and beyond. I am indebted to them and to their parents. It's a wonder to me, how I got to this beautiful place and all I had to do is sit back and enjoy it. I went back to church after many years partly out of gratitude for this place, and partly because the state of the country and the world was making me NUTS. So every week I have an opportunity to thank God for the good that I have and the good that I see.
Far from being in my debt, my cherubs have simply made life a constant source of wonder and gratitude, and that debt is mine to pay--only it is so huge I doubt I will ever make a dent. Thanks Mrs. AL, you provided me with the food for the above thoughts.